“The saddest people I’ve ever met in life are the ones who don’t care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there’s nothing to make it last.” Quote from one of the prominent writer, Nicholas Sparks, Dear John.
I, Azlin Musa, am just your typical definition of high school girl. A girl who sometimes played truant, joking and playing sports with her girlfriend, gossiping about guys and sharing the tips for relationship and perhaps, has some attitude problems with her grown up. That is my definition of high school student. They may not look like it, but expect the unexpected; they not so innocent like the Good Samaritan. That is, before one incident who had definitely changed my life, for eternity.
‘Sometimes, we too often took something for granted. Thinking it would always be there until one was left with the reality that the person is nowhere to be found, any longer.’ May 19th, 2011, is the beginning of the incident that changed my life forever. Many things happened on that date. For form 5 student like us, there were an excel week being held in school. And as usual. I skip on that date. How can I not? When my whole classmate had already called it a day off, thinking that there was no exam paper for us that date. But that’s not my initial reason of why I skip school. It was because on 19th of May, I would officially become a big sister for my newest little newborn baby sister.
It was supposed to be an overwhelming feelings. At the crack of dawn that is. However, like I said, expect the unexpected. At dusk, the news of the fatalities spread throughout my family. My mother had miscarriage, on the day she was supposed to give birth to her new daughter. No one voices their grouses. But their solemn face speaks the volumes to the maximum in my eardrum. And I can’t help but feel the burden is on me. I was on the receiving end of everybody ascertained crux.
‘Apology might keep your sanity in check. But the guilt will always be your friend to end.’
It was an incident that leave a lot to be desired. You may wonder why I take the devastating blow of guilt. Two weeks before the incident, I had an issue. My mother patient heart spurred my temper to be dominant. I am an insolence child. That, I know. However, my misdemeanour this time, had bought a wretched act of stupidity. It had bought an innocent child buried to earth. My mother slip because of the wet floor I left after washing the dishes thinking that nobody will go to the kitchen at the middle of a midnight. The scream that left her mouth reminds me of my worst nightmare. What’s worst, I didn’t even talk to her, apologise nor confronted her. There was no comforting and apologetic sign that leave my passive expression that underneath the underneath, felt otherwise.
“Can we pretend aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now…” lyrics from B.o.b feat Hayley Williams Paramore, Aeroplanes. The guilt I bear alone makes me thinking about the ‘what if’. Could you blame me? I had to face the music of my childish act. I didn’t even go to visit her after the incident. How could I? The ward she located in were full of newborn babies. How miserable have my action contribute to her is undefined. She, who bought me to life with luxury of silver spoon and this is how I treated her? I cried myself to oblivion every night carefully hoping none of my brother or my parents heard me. Thou, even with the company of my own little brother and sister enough to keep me cried in self demise. And I can’t help but mutter unorganized words of apology.
“I’d learned that some things are best kept secret. Until the right moment”
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry I failed to make you a big brother Ibum. I truly am sorry. I-“ The warm arms of my little brother of 5 years old caught me unguarded. No words were exchange, it is unneeded. His warm that engulfed me, were as if offering an untold words of comfort. And that is enough. I’ve never confronted my parents about this. The topic was left unsaid. My mother cried every time she saw a baby. I guess the unhappiness of suffering loss of her daughter is still there. She never said she blame me for anything. And I am grateful for that. Thou sometimes I can’t but help but hope she expressed her feelings of loss and perhaps blame me for it. But like they said, a mother heart is the heart of gold. Despite the tears she shed, her face were still radiant.
“They plotted and planned, and Allah too planned, and the best of planners is Allah S.W.T.” Hadith Rasulullah S.A.W.
You may wonder who is the person who had affected my life most. Humairah Aisyah Binti Musa. She may be just a foetus who died in my mother womb. Failed to even open her eyes because of me. But she is the person that affect my life most. She, Humairah Aisyah Binti Musa, is my sister. And this metamorphosis had definitely the reason that bought this wind of change upon myself. Because of her, I, Azlin Musa, stand head and shoulders above, on the way to becoming, to turn over a new leaf. Thank you, Mother and my beloved sister. But most of all, like in the prophet says, this is all according to Allah S.W.T will. And with full humble, I thank him to his provision that lead me and grant me the determination to adapt and succeed towards life challenges and never succumb towards the uphill struggle.
“If I know you are mine …If I know that noble heart of the mother …This weighing of suffering the burden on my shoulders is not supposed to be this heavy. …” Quote from Puteri Andalas. To that being said, I, Azlin Musa, will work really hard to let my emotion settle down. So that the next time we’ll met, the redemption is already gone. To tell her I’m already alright. To tell her I won’t be depressed anymore. I want her to know I’m fine. Because I know, my sister, Humairah Aisyah Binti Musa is now in good hand. She’s now with Him. And as I recollect this past incident that aggravates the change of my life forever, without realising it, I felt a lone tear roll down my face.
“There will be a day for sure, in which this heart wrenching pain, will flow away together with the time, all at once.” Quote from Azlin Musa.