1Walking up to a cozy, tan ranch-style house in southern California, my stomach was howling for attention, waiting for a scrumptious meal to help ease its hunger. My aunt’s house was filled with the rich scent of roasted chicken and garlic, a smell that would drench my taste buds when I would have eaten mammal flesh. I could almost smell the tenderness of the succulent meat as it baked in the oven while mashed potatoes churned in melted creamy butter. The smells of a fulfilling feast vanished when my unwary sense of smell detected a stinging stench. The smell of a flattened skunk by an 18 wheeler would have pleased your nose more than the stench from the kitchen. Immediately I felt something beginning to creep up my throat and my gag reflex started to pulse and constrict the further I walked into the house. The only question on my mind was, “What will be thrown into my unsuspecting mouth within the next five minutes?”
2As my family gathered around the table, my attention focused on my faux china plate where the source of the reeking smell was laid out before me.It was green!! Not just any green, it was a dark sinister, depressing green, as if from a deep dark forest. The long stalks lay on my plate contaminating the wonderful and blessed mashed potatoes and gravy. The thought of this sinister vegetable entering my vacant stomach to satisfy any hunger I had left over was inconceivable. This newly found enemy of mine had been secreting juices overtaking the defenseless and peaceful chicken breasts. It had finally pulled a Hitler when it invaded my buttered roll which forced me into action. I grabbed the only weapon readily available, the courageous fork. With my only defense at hand, I stabbed one of the weaker stalks to observe my adversary more clearly. I dreaded the perpetual demise of a lifetime’s worth of appetite.
3 “Asparagus.” The word itself made my fingers quiver. It was the length of a sharp number two pencil but instead of lead it had diminutive leaves attached to the tip. It had only one purpose which was to fool the digester into thinking a pretty delicious gift was coming its way. It was as if they curled around the pointed tip, but I was too smart to be fooled. I knew that only misery waited under the dark green lying leaves. It had pale pea-like lines that wrapped around the forest-like stalks, leaving a quarter of an inch separating the filth into four or five sections, of horror. Looking from the outside, it seemed as if it was layered like an onion. It appeared that the first layer was a sea green with a sheer touch of color from the inside of a lime. The pigment grew more menacing the deeper the layers went. The thought of this satanic vegetable going near any part of my body was ultimately a chaotic nightmare.
4I drew the dark vegetable closer to my nose. The steam instantly attacked my nostrils as it seeped down into the back of my throat. My poor defenseless nose was suddenly filled with an aroma like that of cat urine and ammonia. I felt a burning sensation in my nasal passages as the hair in my nose tried fighting off the poisonous steam that was attempting to attack my inner senses. My body went in to shock as I dropped my once mighty sword and pushed away from the oak wooden table. I soon found my enemy had the overwhelming power to make me pale. I was pulled fourth into the battle ground by the green’s allies, my parents, who then tried to persuade a single bite. Forced into caving in and avoiding a long grounding, I picked up the betraying fork. Eyes opened, I stared my nemesis down as it entered the gateway of my core.
5Cautiously, I bit the tip of its bushy summit; the particles broke off and invaded every crevice in my mouth. It was a gushing sensation as I clamped down. It felt as if centers separated into a flank position trying to clog the back of my throat which made swallowing feel as if I was shoving a toothbrush down it to puke. Bits and pieces clung to the inner walls of my throat as bigger chunks fell farther down the tubes leading to an unsuspecting stomach. It was a bomb of hard wood chips covered in slime as it hit my acidic stomach. It took a few more tries of swallowing before I had to drown out the rest of what particles were left with many gulps of creamy white milk. This may not have been the best decision, but when in dire need one must use whatever resources available.
6I was poisoned for life. Looking at the tricksters left on my plate I envisioned throwing them into a pit of despair. I knew I wouldn’t be able eat anything more for at least six days. I took one last look and I felt an odd movement coming from my stomach. It began to crawl up my spine until I felt a convulsion and my abdomen began to twitch. My parents took one look at me and rushed me to the nearest porcelain god in the house as I was forced to regurgitate not only the asparagus, but the garlicky chicken, and finally, slowly and painfully the mush of mashed potatoes crawled up and out my mouth.
Skipping dessert since the episode in the bathroom, I was finally able to leave my aunt’s house of asparagus. I felt accomplished and pleased with my performance in the war of green vegetables and family dinners. My only regret as we climbed into the car was the glorious never-ending image of what was given to the hallway bathroom’s toilet. I could only picture and taste destroyed pieces of chicken and asparagus floating among slug-like chunks of potatoes and bile.