MANUAL ON EFFECTIVE PARENTING (Enriched Parent Effectiveness Service) This manual is taken from a publication of the Department of Social Welfare and Development, with the permission to freely review, abstract, reproduce and translate, in part or in its entirety, as long as it is not for sale or for use in conjunction with commercial purposes.
MODULE ONE MYSELF AS A PERSON AND AS A PARENT
Sessions in this module: Session 1 Session 2 Understanding Myself as a Person My Self-esteem as a Parent
SESSION ONE UNDERSTANDING MYSELF AS A PERSON
Estimated time: Required materials: 1 hour and 20 minutes Manila paper (with drawing of a hand), bond paper, ballpen/pencil, marking pens, masking tape
Let’s begin by taking a closer look at ourselves. Do you sometimes fall into the trap of becoming so busy earning a living or doing your household activities? The last week, was there a time when you stopped and thought about what you want your family to be? Or what kind of parent you are? This session will help you reflect and understand yourself better as a person. This is the initial big step you should take towards becoming more effective in your parental roles.
The parents should be able to • • • Identify individual strengths and weaknesses Describe the factors that affect characteristics of a person Clarify family values and goals to better fulfill parental roles
I. Basic Strengths of an Individual • • • • • • • II. Capability to think Capability to love Capability to improve Capability to fulfill one’s goals and aspirations Freedom and responsibility Uniqueness Sociability
Basic Weaknesses of an Individual • • Too much pride Selfishness
• • • • • III.
Laziness Irresponsible Inconsiderate of others Bad habits and vices Lack of education
Factors that Affect One’s Characteristics as a Person • • • • Individual and family values Personality traits Childhood experiences Personal and family goals
Family Values • Loving • Faith • Resourcefulness • Praise • Respectfulness • Trust • Responsibility • Cooperation • Commitment • Compassion • Thankfulness Goals of Parents • • • • •
• • • • • • • • • • •
Worship Humility Dedication Courage Perseverance Purposefulness Prayerfulness Goodness Repentance Conviction Forgiveness
Raise healthy, happy children Give children proper education Train children to be good responsible citizens Provide security to the family Practice Godliness at home
• • • Individual Reflection Small Group Discussion Plenary Discussion
Procedures Activity 1
Provide introductory statement on self: Do you really know who you are? What are your characteristics as a person? How do these characteristics affect your thoughts, feelings, and actions? Have you ever tried exploring deeper into your true self? The importance of knowing yourself is a big step
towards becoming an effective person. To successfully take this step, however, you will have to be open and honest in searching and discovering your true self. Introduce and explain the mechanisms of this activity called “Five Fingers of my Life”. Draw a big right hand on a manila paper and write down the key words of questions representing each finger then put it up on the board or on the wall. Then ask each participant to draw their right hand on a bond paper and to answer the questions represented by each finger.
What is important to me as a person? Personality Traits. What is it about my being a person that I like? What is that I am proud of in myself as a person? What are my weaknesses as a person?
MIDDLE FINGER: Family Affairs. What do my family and other people say they like about me? What do they say they do not like about me? RING FINGER: Childhood Experiences. What are the significant events in my childhood? How do I feel about my childhood experiences? Family Goals. What are my goals as a parent? What do I want to develop and improve in myself for my family?
After 5 minutes, have the participants form triads in order to share their answers. Remind and encourage them to be trustful and open to make the activity most meaningful.
After the sharing, assemble all participants and process the whole activity by asking the following questions: • • • What did you feel during the sharing? (as the one sharing/as listener? What did you discover in yourself? Are they your strengths or weaknesses? What is the importance of discovering your strengths and weaknesses in performing your role as a parent? Do you need to improve yourself as a person and as a parent?
In this exercise, be sure to elicit what the participants learned about themselves as parents. Ask the participants for their insights then stress the importance of understanding personality traits, family values, childhood experiences and family goals. All these factors influence the parents’ ability to relate with their children and respective spouses.
Key Learning Points
You can understand yourself better as a person if: • • • • • • • You are aware of your individual personality traits You establish a good and honest relationship with each member of your family You deal with your past, face the challenges of the present and prepare for your future You redefine your family values You examine your parenting roles and responsibility You clarify and establish your family goals You recognize your basic strengths as a person: o You have the capability to think and recognize what is right and wrong. o You have the capability to improve yourself. o You have rights as a person. o You have the freedom to fulfill your aspirations and goals o You know your responsibilities toward yourself, others and God.
Ask participants to identify two areas that they feel they need to improve on. Tell them to list down the actions they will take for the next three months in their notebook.
To be able to perform your roles as parents, you need to know yourself better. You need to know your strengths because these are the positive parts of you that will help you become a better person and effective parent. You likewise need to know your weaknesses. These are the negative parts of you that may hinder your growth as a person and as a parent. You need to overcome your weaknesses by changing them to serve as your strengths. The more strengths or positive characteristics you have, the more you can become a fulfilled person and parent.
Play a game on listing family values. Divide the class into two or three groups. Tell them they will be given 3 minutes to list down as many family values they can think of on their respective manila paper. At the end of 3 minutes, post the manila papers on the wall and check them together. The group with the most number of answers wins.
After declaring the winner, discuss thoroughly the family values written by the parents. Find out which family values are most common to all. Find out which family values are least common. Ask them to explain their choices. Add to their list by introducing the other family values listed in Annex A.
Key Learning Points
• • • • Building on your family values will help you realize your family goals Different families have different levels and styles of realizing family values As parents, you should spend time reflecting and clarifying your most important family values. As parents, you should communicate these family values to your children through word and action.
Ask parents to go back to the 2 or 3 groups formed during Activity 2. Give them 5 minutes to think and discuss ways of communicating or sharing the family values they have so far identified with children or spouses. To cut down on time, tell each group to just focus on the family value most important to them. After 5 minutes, call on each group to share their suggestions through a short skit. If there is a duplication of family values, let them go ahead because you can point out the difference in level or style of strengthening per family.
It is not enough that you are aware of your family values as parents. You must make sure your children are aware of these family values. When you go home today, observe your children if they are practicing your most important family values. You must praise them for the one they are practicing and help them develop the ones they are not practicing. Sometimes all it takes is a constant but gentle reminder.
SESSION TWO MY SELF-ESTEEM AS A PARENT
Estimated Time: Required materials: 1 hour and 20 minutes tape song or lyrics of “I love myself”, self-administered questionnaire on self-esteem, marking pens/ ballpens / paper, handouts on Improving Self-Esteem
After learning all about the importance of the self, let us now talk about selfesteem. Do you know what self-esteem is all about? Do you know whether you have high or low self-esteem? As parents, you should realize the value of developing high self-esteem to better perform your parental roles and responsibilities.
The parents should be able to: • Define self-esteem • Explain the importance of developing high self-esteem • Acquire ways of improving self-esteem
I. II. Definition of Self-esteem Importance of Developing High Self-esteem • • • • • III. More productive and functional Can perform roles and responsibilities well Develops self-respect and respect for others Secure person Positive outlook in life
Ways of Improving Self-esteem • Friends • Time • Praise • Goals • Love • Respect • Believe • Challenges • Acceptance • Positive values
Brainstorming Individual Work Lecture-Discussion Individual Reflection
Procedures: Activity 1
Relate the previous session by saying: Are you now more aware of your strengths and weaknesses? That is very good. That is the first step towards knowing yourself better. Do you know what to do next? Yes, you now need to build on these strengths and weaknesses to love and appreciate yourself as a gift of God.
In stressing the value that should be apportioned to the self, play or sing the song “I LOVE MYSELF”. Ask the participants to listen well to the song and reflect on the message of the song. I LOVE MYSELF I love myself that way I am There’s nothing I need to change I’ve always been the perfect me There’s nothing to rearrange I’m beautiful and capable to being The best me I can I love myself just the way I am. I love you just the way you are There’s nothing you need to do When I feel the love inside myself It’s easy to love you Behind your fears, your rage and tears I see your shining star And I love you just the way you are I love the world the way it is As I can clearly see That all the things I judge are done By people just like me So till the birth of peace on earth That only love can bring I’ll help it grow by loving me within. I love myself the way I am And still I want to grow The change outside can only come When deep inside I know I’m beautiful and capable Of being the best me I can And I love myself just the way I am I love myself just the way I am.
After the song has been played or sung, ask the participants to reflect on the meaning of the song. Draw out the participants’ insights by asking the following:
• • • • •
What did you infer from the song? What is self-esteem? What is the significance of the song in relation to your self-esteem? Do you think it is good to develop high self-esteem? Why? Do you know how to improve your self-esteem?
Write all the participants’ responses on the board. Lead them to identify core concepts that will enable them to understand “self-esteem”.
Key Learning Points
Provide more inputs on the importance of having high self-esteem as parents. Emphasize that parents with high self-esteem are able to fulfill a more satisfying relationship with family members and are able to better accomplish their tasks and responsibilities as parents.
Self-esteem is how a person feels and thinks about himself. It may be positive: “I’m smart.” “I look good” It may be negative “I’m ugly”
“I am no good” “I am afraid to make mistakes” • • • • • Self-esteem develops overtime. It constantly changes. Positive experiences and fulfilling relationships can help raise self-esteem. Negative experiences and troubled relationships contribute to low self-esteem. Self-esteem is very important because it has a direct bearing in your life. Self-esteem influences practically every aspect of your life: o The way you treat yourself and others. o The way you view life (positive or negative) o The way you use your abilities and talents o The way you perform your roles as a parent in the family. o The way you feel about yourself will be reflected on the way you perform your roles and responsibilities. o The way you look at yourself will be reflected/manifested in your behavior. o Your perception of your self-esteem has an effect on others. Parents with high self-esteem are more productive and fully functional. o A parent with high self-esteem has a sense of self-respect.
o A parent with high self-esteem knows his values. o A parent with high self-esteem has a positive outlook in life. Parents with low self-esteem are less productive and have no direction in life. o A parent with low self-esteem does not see his value or worth. o A parent with low self-esteem is an insecure parent. o A parent with low self-esteem has a negative and critical outlook in life. To improve your self-esteem: o o o o o o o o o o Meet people and keep on acquiring new friends. Take time to be alone with your thoughts and feelings Take pride in your achievements both great and small. Set realistic goals in life Learn to love yourself Respect yourself and be proud of who you are Believe in yourself Be willing take risks and try new things Learn to accept yourself Build on your positive
After the discussion, provide participants copies of self-administered questionnaire on self-esteem to enable them to determine the level of their self-esteem. Give them 5 to 10 minutes to answer the self-administered questionnaire. You may use either of the two sets of self-administered questionnaire on self-esteem provided at the end of this module (See Annex B). Allow them time to review and reflect on their answers. Then help them interpret and determine their scores when finished. After the interpretation of the results, provide them additional inputs on how to improve self-esteem. Give them handouts on Improving Self-esteem (See Annex C). Highlight the fact that the way to improve self-esteem is the development and/or strengthening of positive values Emphasize further that self-esteem constantly changes depending on how you approach different situations in your life. However, it can be improved or developed by facing all experiences positively and accepting all responsibilities with interest, trust and hope.
End the session by asking participants to write on a piece of paper a positive statement or phrase about themselves. Have them tape the paper right on the center of their shirts and walk around the room to let others see it. Shake each other’s hand in acknowledgment of each other’s positive traits.
ANNEX A (For Session 1) FAMILY VALUES TO BUILD
LOVING is more than just a feeling of being attached to or happy with someone. It includes choosing to be kind and helpful to others though you may not exactly feel like it. Love also involved doing for other people what you would like to have done for you. FAITH is the act of believing the things that God has revealed about Himself and acting on those beliefs. It is knowing for sure that something we want is going to happen even if we cannot see it yet. If we are confident we are living a good life then we also tend to believe the blessings will come eventually. RESOURCEFULNESS is the ability to devise ways and means of getting a job accomplished. A resourceful person takes every opportunity to make the most out of his or her abilities, resources, and situations. Some resourceful people even look forward to new challenges and problems so they can devise better ways to deal with them.
PRAISE includes words or actions that give honor to someone. Those words and actions show the deep feelings and thoughts of the person offering the praise. We occasionally “praise” someone for physical skills or good looks but there are a lot more little kind gestures worth praising if we take the time to notice. If we can be more generous with our praises, it does help our children gain self-confidence. RESPECTFULNESS is an attitude of high regard for someone. Such an inner attitude of respect must then be displayed through outer actions. It’s not hard to say that we respect parents, teachers, God, etc. But if our actions don’t support our words, our respectfulness is probably not genuine. TRUST is an unwavering belief in someone or something, especially pertaining to standards such as truth, strength, or character. To put your trust in God means to rely on Him to get you through any situation – no matter how bad it seems and no matter how unable you are to cope with it on your own.
RESPONSIBILITY, simply put, means that you are able and willing to do what you say you’ll do. It means that others can count on you to come through with your share of any task. It also means taking the initiative to do what is right. To be responsible to God means that you take your commitments seriously and can be trusted to maintain a lifestyle that reflects your belief in Him. COURAGE is the ability and willingness to stand firm when confronted by danger, fear, or peer pressure. The basis of courage is not usually physical strength, but rather a mental or moral strength. Depending on the circumstances, it may be more courageous to endure temporary defeat or failure than to use force to eliminate it. PERSEVERANCE is the ability to keep going even under pressure without becoming discouraged. Perseverance cannot take place without some kind of obstacle or persecution. So it is important to develop perseverance since none of us can avoid trouble entirely. We should prepare to deal with problems when they come rather than wait to see if they come.
PURPOSEFULNESS is the determination to complete whatever you set to do. Your purpose should continually motivate you to action. When God gives someone a job to do, that person should feel a sense of purpose as he or she sets out to accomplish what God has instructed. PRAYERFULNESS is the regular participation in prayer (which is simply communication with God.) It includes much more than asking God for things you want. Prayer includes praising God, giving thanks for His blessings, confessing your sins, asking him for help, and praying for other people. Prayerfulness gives you a proper perspective on life because it keeps you aware that you are not alone as you encounter the good and bad events of each day.
COOPERATION is the willingness to work with other people to accomplish a task. Many times people can become burdened when they undertake a major chore or when they face opposition from others. God has given His people different gifts and abilities and has instructed them to cooperate with each other to accomplish His work. COMMITMENT is a willingness to serve someone or a cause. It involves your mental and physical loyalties to that person or purpose. For instance, commitment to Jesus Christ means that you are willing to trust Him with your life and that you will consciously look to Him for guidance and direction. A commitment is not to be taken lightly, especially where your relationship with God is concerned. COMPASSION is a combination of love, care and the desire to help. Sometimes the word pity is used as a synonym for compassion. But true compassion goes beyond pity and includes a willingness to get involved in the problems of suffering people.
THANKFULNESS is the recognition of God as the one who creates all that is good and the expression of appreciation for all He has done. Thankfulness should be a natural response for us. Unfortunately, we too often take God’s many gifts for granted and forget to thank Him. WORSHIP means to honor and adore someone who is worthy of such high honor. True worship involves not only things we do but also includes our thoughts and feelings as we do them. Only God fully deserves our worship, and we are to hold Him in awe both publicly and privately. HUMILITY is the voluntary lowering of yourself or the willingness to give up something that should rightfully be yours. To be humble, you must eliminate pride and arrogance from your life. Sometime people tend to think of humble people as weaklings, but it takes great inner strength to calmly allow someone to take credit for something you have done, or to not join in when everyone seems to be boasting about themselves.
DEDICATION is complete commitment to something or someone. When you’re dedicated to something your whole heart is in what you’re doing. Dedication may also involve the setting apart of something or someone for a special purpose. GOODNESS is the quality of being virtuous. It is a state of favorable character, pure motives, and sincere actions. People committed to goodness try hard to eliminate sin from their lives. True goodness is a spiritual condition not easy to attain but we should never stop trying. REPENTANCE is sorrow for one’s sin, and turning away from that sin to serve God and do right. Repentance involves: (1) Admitting before God that you did something wrong, (2) Feeling sorrow for what wrong doing and for any harm it caused, and (3) Most importantly, changing your behavior from wrong actions to right actions. Whenever you turn away from sin, you turn back toward God.
CONVICTION is a strong belief in or desire to uphold a moral stand. Your personal convictions are the things you hold to be right or wrong. Consequently, they mold your thoughts and actions. Conviction may also refer to a deep sense of regret you feel that committing a sinful action. Just as we say that guilty person is convicted for his crime, we, too, can feel “conviction” when we get out of fellowship with God. Conviction is more than guilt. It is a feeling God places within us to lead us to repentance and put us back into a good relationship with Him. FORGIVENESS refers to blotting out sin and guilt. After you’ve forgiven someone who has done you wrong, you can again be friends with that person. Any request for forgiveness should be accompanied by a willingness to make up for the wrong. It is important that we all learn to forgive each other since none of us is perfect.
ANNEX B (For Session 2) Self-Administered Questionnaire No. 1
SET A Check the box of your choice 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Are you easily hurt by criticism? Are you very shy? Do you fear close relationships? Do you try to hide your feelings? Do you try to put the blame on others for your mistakes? Do you have excuses for inability to change? YES NO
□ □ □ □ □ □
□ □ □ □ □ □
7 8. 9. 10.
Do you avoid new experiences? Do you wish you can change your appearance? Are you too modest about your success? Are you glad when others make mistakes?
□ □ □ □
□ □ □ □
SET B Check the box of your choice 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7 8. 9. 10. Do you accept constructive criticism? Are you at ease with new people? Do you recognize and accept your feelings? Do you enjoy close relationships (and learn from them)? Do you laugh at your mistakes? Do you make changes in yourself and notice these as they occur? Do you look forward to new experience? Do you like the way you look? Do you praise yourself for your successes? Are you glad for others when they succeed? YES NO
□ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □
□ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □
Self-Administered Questionnaire No. 2
Check the box of your choice 1. 2. I like to receive praise and compliments. They don’t make me feel foolish and nervous. I believe I am a good child/parent. YES NO
3. 4. 5. 6. 7 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.
I don’t get hurt or feel humiliated if I am slighted. I do the best I can to get the attention and admiration I think I deserve. When someone appreciates me, I don’t try to deny the good things they are saying about me. I can give compliments easily and generously. I think as much of myself as my closest friends think of me. I feel good about how I look. I like my face and body. I don’t get furious or depressed if I am not waited on or given attention promptly. I know I am basically a good, kind person and I seldom feel guilty and unworthy. I expect to be accepted by most people I meet. I generally feel my friends like and value me.
□ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □
□ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □
Score Sheet Interpretation on How Do You Feel About Yourself If you answer most of the questions under SET A with YES, you need to improve your self-esteem. If you answer most of the questions on SET B with YES, you have a healthy opinion of yourself.
Score Sheet Interpretation for Self-Administered Questionnaire No. 2 Give yourself 1 point for each YES answer you checked then total your score. 11 – 12 Very High 9 – 10 High 6 – 8 Average 3 – 5 Low 0 – 2 Very Low
ANNEX C (For Session 2) Improving Self Esteem
“I feel good about myself” Parents who feel good about themselves will treat their children in the same way.
How to Improve your Self-Esteem
Friends Meet new friends. Be comfortable and open about yourself so as to develop close relationships. Time Take time to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. Get involved in activities you can enjoy by yourself like crafts and reading. Praise Take pride in both your great and small achievements. Praise yourself for being good and doing well. Goals Set realistic goals. Meet them by learning new skills and developing your abilities. Love Learn to love yourself. Learn from your failures and successes, everyone has them. Respect Be proud of who you are. Don’t try to be someone else. Explore and appreciate your own talents. Believe Believe in yourself. Believe that you can Challenges Be willing to risk by trying new things.
Basic Training on Psychosocial Interventions for Street Children Service Providers. 1997 A Handbook on Parent Effectiveness Service. Bureau of Family and Community Welfare – Department of Social Welfare and Development. 1991 Training Manual on Parent Effectiveness Service