I am feeling lonely and sad. It is a cold and blustery Wednesday in November. Tomorrow will be the first Thanksgiving I have spent without my family. My boyfriend at the time asks me to come to his house and meet his parents and join them for their thanksgiving feast. Though it is quite a tempting offer, I don’t feel up to that level of social activity, so I politely decline and mention that he and I could have some quite time once he gets back. He seems ok with that and tells me he will come back early so we can spend some time together. I smile, hug and kiss him, and send him on his way. I then walk the long trek back to my dorm. I am away at my first year of college and the almost completely empty dorm that I call “home” is eerily quiet now that all of my dorm mates have left for the extended weekend. Sitting in the common area blankly staring at the TV I decide to bide my time by catching up on some much needed rest. So I retreat to my room which happens to be the one closest to our front door and our common area.
It position has always offered me the ability to be in the know of all the latest and greatest goings on at campus since you could hear even the quietest whispers for my vantage point. I go to my room and get comfortable, pulling back the covers to my bed, I crawled in to its plush warmth and with a deep sigh begin the winding down process, so I can drift off into blissful sleep. Out of nowhere there is a knocking at my door and I hear it opening before I could respond. It’s Vikki, my best friend at school, and with her suitcase in hand she walks in announcing that her flight home had been delayed until tomorrow morning. I was excited and a little bummed at the same time. See I know that we were about to spend the rest of our night sitting up talking and planning her upcoming wedding to her fiancé. Being her matron of honor, she included me in all of the details of the wedding planning and I enjoyed being part of all of it. But at the same time I was a little sad knowing that with the pending nuptials would come the “moving out of our dorm and moving in with her soon to be husband” portion of the process. I knew this meant no more long nights planning out our futures.
We were very close and did everything together. We went shopping, went on double dates and even had the same classes. We talked constantly, mostly about our guys and some of the crazy things they did to impress us. We helped each other with our studies and spent long hours pouring over lecture notes, etc. If we didn’t have plans for the weekend evenings we would sit together, drinking and laughing about various life stories, the day’s events, and our boyfriends. She sits on the edge of my bed and tells me she has to show me the pictures of the final fitting of her gorgeous dress. She rifles through her bag and pulls out an album. She has been carefully documenting the entire process and is very proud of how seamlessly it is all coming together. As we start going through the album and talking about how they met, how she and I became so close and how supportive I have been through all of this the hours began to slip away. As I watched her talk about everything I realize for the first time that she is glowing just talking about of it. Her long dark hair tucked behind her ears and her bright green eyes were on fire with the passion and excitement she was reliving as we went over all of the detail, and the crazy things we had been through. As we finally get to the photos of her dress I feel my eyes getting heavy and look to see that it is almost 2 in the morning.
I let her finish and then gently suggest that we get some sleep since she needed to be at the airport in just a few hours to catch her rescheduled flight. She says ”you’re right” and then sits there looking at me and says “Thank you for everything”. I tell her she is silly and I thank her for including me in this special part of her life. I scoot back down into my bed and lay back onto my pillow and Vikki says “I love you”. I say I love you too now let’s get some rest. I closed my eyes and within a few seconds realized Vikki hadn’t moved from her spot. I opened my eyes to see her staring at me and in for the first time ever I felt a weird awkwardness come between us. In that same moment she looks more deeply at me and says “NO, I LOVE YOU! I love you not like how a woman is supposed to love another woman.” As I lay there trying to process what it is she is saying to me she leans down and stops just centimeters from my lips, I can feel the heat from her breath on my lips as she hesitates for just a moment.
A smile appears on her beautiful lips but, before I had a chance to protest, she kisses me and I can feel that extreme passion and excitement she had earlier now spreading form her lips to mine and then through my whole body. I was excited, confused, and scared all at the same time. She is my best friend and we had just crossed some imaginary line that we never spoke of. Everything raced through my mind. What was I doing? What would my parents and family think if they knew? What would my boyfriend say? This is soooo wrong and yet felt right? This is my best friend, she has always been there for me. When I needed someone to listen to me. When I needed someone to just let me be silent. I needed her and in that moment she ceased to be just my best friend. Our lips parted and she whispered into my ear “I need you, I want you, I love you”. And with that she got up took her suitcase and headed down the hall to her room. What just happened! OMG! What was I to think, how was I supposed to act around her now?
I laid there the last few hours of that morning agonizing over what had just happened and what it all meant. I must have drifted off at some point because the next thing I knew I could hear a conversation. It was my best friend and her fiancé at the dorm door and he was begging her to tell him why she couldn’t marry him. He says “You know me! You know I could never hurt you! I love you! Just tell me what it is and we can work through this together!” I sprang up in my bed so fast that my head was spinning as I realized what was going on. I was frozen in silence as he and I waited for her response. At that moment I hear her say that she can’t marry him because she is in love with someone else. WHAT!! Am I dreaming? Is this all a nightmare? I can hear him start to cry and ask her who? Who is he? WHY? She says to him “It’s not a he, It’s Sondra” At that moment I knew my life would never be the same. Not with my boyfriend, not with my best friend, and certainly not with my world as I knew it!